Try walking a mile in my pads: Being a trans hockey goalkeeper
Funny thing about being a field hockey keeper in 25 degrees Celsius weather is that you essentially bring Finland to the UK via your walking sauna of a kit. Then try running and doing skills exercises in it, then doing a match in it. It takes stamina, and a ton of training to be able to get anywhere half decent. I had two matches this past Saturday, both of which were without cloud cover, and thankfully in the second match we had two keepers, so I only played one half. Normally we do not get this luxury, so if you want to play at the highest levels you need to train hard, keep your fitness up, and ensure your endurance and mental acuity are on point. All this means that if you want to be a hockey keeper you need to put the work in and look after yourself, it is not something you do on a whim.
This is why I find it fascinating when people say I am taking a spot from a real woman, or that I am somehow cheating by being a trans woman playing for a women’s hockey team. One does not simply walk into a team and play at a high level, let alone stay there. Being trans, especially a trans woman who transitioned at 17, may have originally given me some biological advantages, but at 41 I have lower testosterone levels than all my teammates due to my surgery. It is the training, diet, gym work, and regular sleep patterns that keep me sharp, not the body I had 23 years ago.
To get good at sport requires dedication and sacrifice, a willingness to put yourself through the ringer. Field hockey is for the most part a pay to play sport, so we all do it for the love of the game. I am not stealing any prize money from other women, I am not this Viking invader marauding into spaces I am not welcome. Yes, I have a trans history, but every woman I play alongside and share a locker room with wants me there. To say otherwise is simply projecting onto them personal biases and gas lighting their sincerity.
And this is the wider point. Hockey as a sport is inclusive and open to trans people because of its culture and history. Mixed hockey is very much a thing, men and women play with each other on a regular basis. Yes, male hockey players are certainly stronger and hit the ball harder, but there are plenty of women who can run rings round them and hit the ball just as hard. A trans woman coming to play for a team is treated as a woman because she is seen as such, not because she is imposing her identity on the sport. In a culture where it is your skill and technique that trump most things your gender identity is a distant second. Yes, a trans woman who has just come out will have to have a conversation about changing rooms in all likelihood, but that would not stop her playing for the team.
Putting on my pads and doing the drills, playing the matches, and being part of the team is a core part of who I am. Being single, doing a PhD, not having kids or pets means I can dedicate my time to my studies and this sport I love. I took up hockey at 18 because medically I cannot take a blow to the head due to a near fatal ear condition left me with a thin skull on my right side. I play in goal because it is one of the very few positions in sport where I am fully protected, and, for me, it is one of the best positions in all of sport. I love the experience, love it when I make a great save, hate it when I leak a goal, but most of all adore that feeling of being part of a team. There is no cheating when we come together for teas or drinks post training, there is no cheating at the end of season ball, and there is no cheating in the off-pitch chats and gossip.
Unless you have played team sports it is difficult to convey what a joy being part of tight knit group of players actually is. When you are part of that community, part of that team, you are part of something bigger than yourself. When other people project their own ideas onto my teammates it is frustrating, because every practice session, every match day, every time we chat we share a connection that is hard to quantify to others. I am a wanted part of the team because of my skills and personality, not because I am some cheating mediocre man who could not play male hockey. I am a woman with a trans past who plays hockey at a reasonably high level, and that is the end of it.
Or rather, that is where I would hope the story ends. I could easily keep quiet on this, enjoy playing the sport I love with no fuss. Yet, I see many other trans women being demonised for doing the same thing as me, enjoying playing their sports and getting good at it. I am speaking up about being a trans woman who plays hockey to show that we belong, we are wanted, and we are part of the team, not just an aberration stealing from unfortunate women. Try walking a mile in my pads and see how far you get on the pitch, then you will see just how dedicated I am to the sport I love and the women I call my teammates.
