Trans lives, broken minds — Support networks, mental health, and frank conversations — TW
My personal journey in an ambulance to the emergency room was self-inflicted, very much me at the lowest point I have ever been. To this day I live with the knowledge I have the capacity to inflict a mortal wound on myself, and that suicide was something I am fully capable of. I got through that period in my life, and the deepest wells of depression when they strike, by having a support network that nourishes and cherishes me. I am very lucky to not be alone in the world and that the world accepts me at face value. I am also extremely fortunately that my mental health allows me to candidly discuss this without causing me anguish.
Other trans folk are not so lucky. Suicide rates, abuse, assault and murder rates astronomically higher for people who experience gender variance. More often than not this is down to the reactions people have to anyone outside the cis and gender binary paradigm, with the weight of the world crushing down both physically and mentally on people. My scars are mental, many bear the physical scars that they cannot hide. Society, especially advanced medicalised western societies are not particularly good at talking about mental health or gender issues because often we feel these need to be kept private and out of the public sphere, and I am arguing that by taking a stand for trans rights we can ease the burden placed on all trans folk regardless of their identities.
There are many arguments and comments about why suicide is a bad thing, and it is triggering for many people to talk even covertly about their experiences. Personally, the darkness is very much at bay 99% of the time, but when it creeps back it is utterly crushing. I am not ashamed to talk about it, not do I feel it is something I should hide. My experiences are mine alone, and I never assume to talk for anyone else, yet I am also acutely aware that I am utterly fortunate to be in the position I am with a friendship group that allows me the room to talk through my issues and trauma.
Most trans folk do have support networks around them, and there are many helplines that can provide both peer and professional support if they are in need. We are not snowflakes who melt at the first sign of trouble, rather, we have been forged in a furnace of society’s making, poured into ingots that constrict and cast us in rigid ideas. When we melt and seek to reform, when we are given the room to re-orientate and reshape we find our perfect form. If society pours pressure and scorn onto our backs, our reformation gets warped and misshaped, we grasp for an identity, and in the casting we can crack. Of course, with care and support we can find our life form, the one which fits us the best, but that may take years and decades.
In the crucible of our lives, our mental health is very much dependant on the right chemical balance in our bodies, the right hormonal balance, and the right people to help provide insight and support at the right time. Things can and do go wrong once you step outside of the gender binary, especially if a trans person walks down a medicalised route. Medical intervention is costly, time consuming, and requires public demonstration of your blurring of the boundaries between the binary; all of which makes being able to medically transition a privilege that a significant portion of the trans community cannot afford. Added to this are those who do not wish to medically transition, whose lives are just as valid as those who take pills and go under the knife. This tapestry of identities is as unique as the people who make break out of the binary, each with their own lives and ideas of how to do things. The hard part is getting the world to see that a one size all approach does not work when gender, no matter who binary someone may see their transition, is more of a shades of grey process than absolute poles with a hinterland in between.
Frank conversations are hard because society does not want us to be that candid. We only have so much empathy and ability to care, and when someone info dumps their entire life into your lap and over shares it can be hard to know how to react. I was very bad at this, possibly because it was my way of coping, and I have had to work hard on not telling my life story to the first person I see. Trans folk need to be able to talk about their lives in ways that are not just “oh look, I’m a trans person, this is what makes me unique.” Most probably just want to be able to contextualise their experiences and help them place being trans within their own intersectional identity. For some it may be THE singular thing that they need to work through, for others because society does not give them the time or space it becomes the sole focus of their existence because everything else is spinning out of control. Most of people do not know a single trans person in their lives, and having a general conversation where trans experiences are part of the ebb and flow is difficult because it is so outside their frame of reference.
Which is why normalising this panalopy is so, so important. I am definitely not the only trans or queer person in the village, there are so many more trans folk that we realise. By being able to engage in small talk, folding trans experiences into conversation, treating our lives as hum drum rather than drama our lived experiences become part of our overarching societal tapestry. Which in turn helps remove the stigma about talking about the hard issues, and builds those support networks from when the sky does come crashing down. I did not dig myself out of my suicide by myself; I have support, love, and friendships that enabled me to look back on that time as a core foundation of who I am, but not something I need to be ashamed of. By casting aside the stigma I am able to air it in the light, not squirrel it away within the shadows of my mind, locked up and just waiting to burst open.
The truth does hurt at times, but writing this article is not one of them. I am at ease with myself because I have been given the grace and support. I argue that all trans folk need to be given the air to be themselves, for in the fullness of light they can explore their identities without fear that the shadows will snare and trap them. It is society’s burden that it treats minorities and diversity the way it does, not the fault of trans or queer folk. By having an open mind and open palm trans people can be themselves without shame or regret, and hopefully will not resort to taking a last, final, action to escape their inner pains.
The simplest, and best, answer is always that people should live as they wish as long as they do no harm. Yet, we exist in a society where everyone is interconnected, where pulling on one thread could change the course of someone’s life. Kant espouses respect as the cardinal imperative, that we need to respect each other as rational beings. While we are also inherently irrational, respect and grace, mercy and compassion, are far bolder and braver actions to take than hate, fear, and brutality. Rejecting someone comes all too easily, taking up their cross and walking alongside them can be far more of a challenge. Trans folk are not asking for pity or handouts, we are asking for the grace to live our lives in the light, and stand as equals without shame.
If you need to talk to someone please contact the Samaritans or see a mental health professional
