The brightest stars do need help as well — Trans lives and mental health in this Covid age
Some things are not for the observers, they are for us. Moments, decisions, those life affirming inflection points that make you, well, you. In this age of uncertainty and viral lockdown it is easy to forget things that led us here, led us to being who we are. Trans identities are not forged in spring meadows or candy floss, they come through self-reflection, self-doubt, and a particular form of clarity that is hard to pin down. We are iron forged in needles sprung, blood of the blood taken, and all the colours in the tapestry. Being trans is both singular to who we are as people as it is about being part of the wider world, for forged in the heat of our own lived experiences trans folk stand and face themselves in the full knowledge that this is who we are.
Covid has caused many people mental health issues due to being isolated and cut off from the wider community. Others worry about their health, shielding for fear of worse to come. There are trans folk who step into themselves and feel their egg cracking or identities under siege from those isolated with them who do not accept. For all the joy of being yourself, without support and connections we wither on the vine, as we are as communal as cis folk. Our anxieties are manifest, from whether we get our medication to finding a safe space to be ourselves, and yes, other folk are going through similar issues, but this is not a cake where we have to apportion worry and concern in slices.
It is okay to be concerned, it is okay to ask for help and support. Mental and physical health are tricky things, and one often leads on from the other. Anxiety and existential concerns are not things that are easily waved away or buried, and asking for help and support can be as bold as running a marathon or climbing a mountain. The first step is often the hardest, especially if you are not used to health professionals or peer support always being there for you. There is no shame in asking, just as there is no shame in taking all the time to work through your issues. Trans lives can be, and are, complicated, and your personal lived experiences are unique to you.
Oft times it is easy to ignore anxiety or depression, simply knowing that this is who you are. Mental health issues can become part of our lives, a raiment we are unaware sits mantle on our shoulders. The weight of the world churns your stomach, that knot, those butterflies, that gnawing sense of dread. The inability to push beyond your spoons because you are just so damn tired. Trans folk wrap this up with a gossamer of dysphoria and dread of seeing themselves in the mirror. All the twisting, lurking sense of this is not me tied up with a neat bow. Not every trans person experiences mental health issues, just as not every cis person does, but dysphoria can make it hard to relate to none gender health issues, as gender drives the right here and now.
We shine brightly, diamonds compressed from life’s coal. We dust off, stand up, face the world, and still there are moments we doubt that we will be able to progress. In my darkest times it is very easy to see the world without me, to see that the world is far better off without a me shaped person in it. Depression is a bitch, and can easily drag you down to your own personal circle of Hell that even Dante could not manifest. There is no easy solution for moments of crisis, aside from having a safe space within which you can work through the issues. This is why it is critical that trans folk have access and room within which to contextualise their mental health.
It is also worth remembering that mental health has no quick fixes or cures; rather it is a process and sometimes medication that help us get back on parity. Being trans is not a mental illness, gender identity is simply a part of who we are. It is all those other things that get thrown at us, from being disowned to transphobia to cis people just not getting what it is to be anything other than cis. Trans folk often have to teach the people around them, and when it happens every time it can be exhausting, adding more weight to our shoulders. In these Covid times it can be doubly so as we interact with communities and companies that do not know us on a personal level.
This is not all doom and gloom, as trans experiences and lived lives travel individual paths that are fulfilling and rewarding. There is no one sized solution, and each of us has to find our own way through the mental health maze. Being trans, at least for me, is not something I see as a burden or mistake, it is simply a piece of me. I contextualise my gender within the wider scope of who I am as a person, and my lived experiences have it as part of my framing, rathe than it framing my whole. I am able to talk about these issues because I have had a lot of support and time to help me work through my mental health. Realising that I have deep seated anxiety and that my depression can be talked through has done me the world of good. I am privileged to have a partner, friends and colleagues who allow me to be me, and if I want to talk about my gender they given me the space.
In this weird arse 2020 it is easy to see the traps and fences, and while we all shine as bright as we can, I think it vital that we all have space to talk through any mental health issues we are suffering from. Life is complex and messy, with very few neat edges, and by externalising our issues with people we trust we can work through things. Of course, there are mental health professionals who are essential if your mental health is of concern, and if you are having a mental health crisis please seek help, as it is always there.
Being trans is complicated enough without having to account for Covid, and it is vital that you are valuable and wanted by the people around you. It is so easy to get suckered into feeling that you are worthless or the world would be better off without you, as our own brains are more than capable of taking us to the cliff edge. In those moments remember that you are loved, you are cherished, and that you do matter. The brightest stars are not meant to burn out quickly, but shine on and be the beacon that they are. You are you in all your lived experiences, unique and precious, and while your brain may fool you through lack of neurotransmitters and other chemicals, you are very much a valued part of life’s tapestry.
Shine on, and while Covid may take time to burn out, be the best version of yourself, if only just for you.
