Stepping up our pronoun game
Yesterday I was fortunate to be a panellist on a discussion of pronouns and their impact on trans lives. To prepare, over the last week I read back through various books and blogs, as well as reflecting on my non-binary friends perspectives on what pronouns mean to them. During the talk it became clear that while pronouns are still a significant issue for binary trans folk, there is a clear and present need to both support non-binary folk in their pronouns and have a wider conversation about what exactly pronouns mean within broader society.
For me it boils down to respect, namely, that when pronouns are used correctly it shows respect on behalf of those using them to the recipient. It also places the emotional labour for pronouns and pronoun education on the shoulders of those using them, rather than those requesting their use. Pronouns are as much labels for the observer, indeed they are really signifiers for others to use, as they are about a personal expression and understanding of one’s own gender. By using pronouns correctly as requested, you show that you understand, empathise, and dignify the person you are talking to.
Therefore, I believe it is critical we all up our pronoun game. This is not a cis or trans issue, rather, it is something that crosses all gender boundaries. Pronouns are so intensely personal, and to shift from assigned pronouns at birth to ones that align with your own personal understanding of yourself is both as simple as self-acknowledgement and as complex as every other person you meet. The emotional labour required to correct every single wrong pronoun, bet it ten second correction or five hour online discourse, saps morale and disengages us from wanting to actively deal with folk.
This is my personal lesson, in as much that I have to do better in understanding and working with non-binary pronouns. As a cultural scholar they/them/their neutral pronouns are freighted with the loss of dignity and othering of peoples deemed untermenchen by society. To use they/them, for me, feels dehumanising; yet, there is a radical reclamation in the use of they/them as the non-binary pronoun because it takes from the bigots and just queer become proud labels of breaking free from the non-binary. I speak as a binary trans person working through their understanding, so I am hundred percent certain non-binary folk will add far more value to this than me. But, all the same, I have to unpackage my own understanding without burdening others, for it is my emotional labour to have.
The reason this matters to all folk, cis or trans, is that pronouns, labels, are historically binary in English. The English language, and its derivatives, does not label objects by gender, and unlike German or French there is no easy third neutral gender linguistically English speakers can fall back on. They/them fills this space, awkwardly, and has a tension which is not easily squared away. That English relies on binary genders to wrap up assigned gender at birth, that the mister is serene while the Miss/Mrs/Ms is categorised according to her proximity in marriage, and that pronouns are reinforced by the externalisation of gender, means that English speaking cultures almost mythologise pronouns with the weight of millennia and cultural short cuts. To be she invariably brings up a whole different context to he, and they a whole other conception of identity. It matters, because the weight of those cultural contexts bears down on us all, and stepping out or between that context requires understanding and awareness by us all.
Indeed, a woman assigned at birth may choose to reject feminine things and butch up, yet still feel entirely comfortable ensconced within she/her. Her identity is as female, her pronouns respected and honoured, yet she may get misgendered all the same. Doubly so trans folk, and while the concept of passing as the gender a person identifies with freights a whole other conversation, the short of it that regardless of external gender expression, if a person gives a set of pronouns then ours is not to question why. He, she, they, xhe, whatever is announced is ours to observe and get right every single time, no excuses. This is our emotional labour, not the person announcing. Theirs is not a request, it is not a preference, it is a core part of their identity, and ours is to dignify that without question.
This is why we need to step up our pronoun game. We all must take pronouns on faith, ask no questions unless prompted, and do the emotional labour prior to even being presented by another’s pronouns. Dignity is not being bombarded with questions, respect is not constant correction, and frictionless relationships are not built on the speed bumps we place in front of other people. When someone states their pronouns it is as much an act of trust and faith as it is a statement of identification, and to mis-gender someone and use the wrong pronouns is a profound breach of trust indeed. Its up to us to get it right first and every time, no excuses.
