I’m a trans woman playing for a women’s hocky team
Much has been written over the last three years about trans women playing women’s sport. Lia Thomas, Emily Bridger, and Laurel Hubbard are the most prominent, though there have been trans women playing women’s sport since the 1970s. I am writing this to talk about the realities of playing sport at a fairly high level for a women’s team and to explore the complexities of what it means to be trans and play women’s sport.
I came out in 2000 aged 17 having played all sorts of sports throughout my teens. Due to a serious ear infection that caused me to lose a section of my inner ear I am was left unable to play any form of sport that left my head unprotected. When I went to university in the UK in the autumn of 2000 I took up hockey and ended up playing in goal due to the padding. This is the position I have remained throughout my playing career. After I left uni in 2003 I left the sport behind, only to pick it up again in 2017 in the second year of my second degree. Since then I have played for four teams in my local area, all of which know about my gender identity. Currently I am playing in the firth and sixth tier of English hockey.
I had my surgery in 2008 and have been on hormones since 2000 so my T levels are below that of most women. I experienced the changing room situation when I first started playing, using a separate changing room to my teammates in 2000–2003, though now I change with them. No-one has said anything to me about this, and as far as everyone is concerned this is a complete non-issue.
England Hockey have an open and inclusive approach to trans folk playing the sport, and as such my inclusion on my team is not an issue for them or my teammates. Hockey is a hyper competitive sport on many levels, but also very open and welcoming. As far as I am aware I am the only trans woman playing in my region if not the UK, though as a goalkeeper my situation is probably unique. I have trialled for England over 40s without any issues, and as far as the sport is concerned, I am treated as the woman I am.
I have been wanting to write this for a while because outing myself publicly has ramifications beyond myself. I am worried about being doxed, being harassed, and my teammates and club having the same treatment. There is no public forum where I can talk about this without that at the back of my mind, and by making this post I am aware that at some point my public identity will be revealed. Yet, this is worth it to have this conversation.
Women’s hockey, for me, is welcoming, warm, friendly, and a joy to be a part of. The media talks about trans women stealing women’s opportunities, corrupting women’s sports, having an unfair advantage, yet the reality is that within hockey it is skill, age, money, time, ability to train, the age you took up the sport, and parents willing to ferry you around that play the biggest parts in how far you get in the sport. Talent matters, as does practice and drive. I am a decent enough player, yet there are many goalkeepers better than I am. While I can train and develop, my natural talent is less than others, meaning that I have likely hit the limits of how far I can go in the sport. And this is the point, being a trans woman is only a fraction of who I am as an athlete, all the other factors go into making me the player I am today.
Lia, Emily, and Laurel all compete in sports that are you versus other individuals. Hockey is very much a team sport, requiring harmony and tactics within the team to succeed. No one player is ever going to win or lose a match, it is about the team ethos and combined parts. This is why trans women in sport is such a complex issue. I fall somewhere in the middle of trans women competing, especially if they have already gone through puberty. I often play mixed hockey against men who have superior builds, strength, and different techniques. Having a man hit a ball at 100 mph at you is daunting. If a trans woman transitions after puberty she inherently carries over skills, techniques, and muscle memory from her prior self, and as such while she would be embraced by a women’s hockey team, the prior self is not going to be erased even when her T levels drop. She should definitely be allowed to play, but it is not as straight forward as stating trans women lose their edge when they transition.
As a keeper I avoid many of these issues because keeping is such a multifaceted position that requires the same techniques and skills between the genders. I am 5’9” meaning I have an at the top end of women’s average height, though I am not outsized for the level I play at. This question of physicality is important, as both codes of rugby have acknowledged. The two times I have potentially been concussed in goal was when someone ran into me at speed and knocked me over; the first time was a tall muscular woman, the second a 6’2” 120 kilo man in mixed. Bodies are bodies and can cause damage regardless of gender; I know the risks, as do all hockey players. Yet, hockey is fairly unique in that often you can have 13 year olds and 45–50 year olds on the pitch together during a match. I think England Hockey have the right balance for the sport, though other sports it is more questionable.
This cuts to the heart of what we want from sport. Who is sport for? Is it for the fans, the players, the administrators, the media, or all four? The notion of fairness in sport is a misnomer in my opinion because all sport is inherently unfair. Someone has to win, someone has to lose. Who wins and who loses are decided in the arena based on the rules laid down by the governing body, but unless as draw is allowed there will always be a winner. Trans women are demonised if they excel or succeed, yet the number trans women who have competed globally at the international level is vanishingly small. Even Lia Thomas’ successes were contextually one offs, she lost frequently to other women. Laural Hubbard finished bottom. Emily Bridges was not given a chance to show what she could do. To get good at sport, to excel at sport, takes time, money, patience, grit, and a willingness to sacrifice much to get there. Most people see the finish line as the be all and end all, but it is the thousands of hours behind the start line that make sport what it is.
If sport is for the players then player safety is paramount. Contact sports carry inherent risk regardless of what safety measures you put in place. Is it acceptable to restrict the rights of 1% of the population for the safety of the other 99%? This is the ultimate question we ask when we ban trans women from contact sports. The 1% are sacrificed to make the 99% safe. Yet, it is not clear cut and straight forward, as those women who have suffered from brain damage due to playing contact sports did so playing against other women. Sport is inherently risky, and sports players are not always the best judges of that risk. We just want to play, damn the long-term injuries.
There are no easy answers to trans women playing sport as I think it completely depends on the sport you chose to play and take part in. Hockey is open due to the nature of the sport. If a trans wunder kind suddenly emerged through the England Hockey set-up this may provoke a wider conversation, but at the level I play at I am welcomed and wanted, I am a part of the team. Being trans is never the issue for me, it is talent, time, and willingness to push myself. I love the sport, and hopefully be playing into my 50s. I am a trans woman who plays for a women’s hockey team, and the trans part of me is the least of it.
