Being a single lady has its perks
Its been nearly a year since my ex-partner broke up with me. She did it for personal reasons, stating that she could not be in a relationship and still be friends with me. The moment she said this it broke something inside me that I am still working through. After seven years together, having never moved in or planted any deep roots, I was suddenly cut adrift into a world where she had been my best friend, confidante, person I did all the things wing, and general safe space just to be me. Yet, what I actually missed was the shape of her, not her herself.
My usually post-break-up routine would be to get back on the apps, get back into the local dating scene, see and be seen. Instead, this time, I have not felt the urge to date let alone get back into a relationship. There have been people who have piqued my curiosity, but there has been no spark, no connection. Doing my PhD and playing hockey have taken up all my time, which in many respects has helped ease my loneliness. Data collection till 4 in the morning is a great way to overcome whatever melancholy I may feel. I actually enjoy the process of doing it, almost meditative in the process.
Yet, I do feel like I have increasingly withdrawn into myself over the last year. My ex-partner was someone I trusted implicitly with my whole self, someone who I let my guard down around. The side of me that is silly, uninhibited, overly emotional, and fun that is hard to show to others. Even now I miss the ease of connection, that ability just to curl up on the sofa and just be in each other’s arms. Pining for the couch indeed.
So, what perks has being single brought me? Getting in touch with my mental health and attempting to do something about it is a start. I am more in tune with my personal needs, whatever personal milestones I have are mine alone without the need for affirmation from anyone else. I do not have to justify my time or actions to anyone, I can work till 4 in the morning, get up around 12:00, and still have a healthy work/life balance. Not that any of my exes has tried to impose absolute order on me, but there is a certain looseness to just being your own person sans attachment.
And maybe this is the reason why I have not desperately been trying to fill my personal void with another person, attempting to make them my better half. I don’t have children or pets and I live by myself, so I am solely responsible only for me, which is both liberating and at times can reflect how my mental health is at any particular point. It is making me more disciplined, more aware of what I am eating, more aware that certain food and drink really spike my moods. This singledom is loosening me up in ways that previous break-ups never did. Yes, this is me putting in the work, but this time it is very much for me.
Freedom is not the only thing that being single has brought me. My ex was never possessive or jealous of anything I did, our fit was based on respect and trust. Yet, being single has given me back my emotive passions, both the highs and the lows. Being depressive around others makes you want to hide the true depths of it, but living by myself means I can work through those emotions without crashing and burning in front of others. Same goes for the highest highs.
Of course I miss a part of being in a relationship. I am definitely not aromantic or asexual, I love the feeling of part something dynamic and vibrant, I just need it to be equitable and based on mutual togetherness next time. I don’t know when I will be ready for a relationship, possibly after I finish y PhD in 2025, though for now I am just enjoying what life brings as a single lass. Maybe there will be a UHaul at some point in the future, but if that is the case I don’t think I would have learnt the most valuable lesson the last year has taught me, namely, being kind and honest with myself requires much more than simply clinging to the shape of someone else.
